every bad thought you have about me, I have about myself.
“You,” in this context could mean: the checkout clerk at the grocery store who I think believes that I should lay off the ice cream; the weird coffeeshop guy I just ignored; my husband; my mother; the asshole in fifth grade who accused me of farting in class when I clearly did not, etc etc etc ad nauseum etc.
And if you’re thinking this is whiny and self-pitying and totally self-centered because nobody really thinks about me (or anyone else) that much anyway–well, yeah, I already thought that, too.
Am I too self-referential/too introspective/too obsessive/too hopeless/too hopeful/too depressed/not depressed enough/whiny/dull/self-obsessed/BAD/embarrassing/really should just give up, just so bad…oh my god, I AM BORING.
Will this make me feel worse? Will this make you hate me? Do I care?
This is. a deep hole. I am clawing out of. Who wants to see that?
But really, there’s a reason why there aren’t that many blogs out there about depression. I mean, we are a lazy lot, we depressives*, but we also get fucking sick of thinking about ourselves and our illnesses and figure pretty much everyone is fucking sick of us, too.
Where’s the line between “Hey, I’M NOT OKAY!” and “Waaaah, feel sorry for me!”? Does it matter? Does it de-legitimize a person’s experience as a depressive? Depression and assholism certainly aren’t mutually exclusive.
Does it make me an asshole to focus on these questions in the first place? Probably. Or, at least, very, very tiresome. The check on The State of the Emotional Union 8,10, 20 times an hour or more is tiresome to me, too. No wonder I can’t seem to do much else.
*Obviously, I don’t speak for all depressives and everyone’s experience is different. I could be totally off-base and just relating the story of one self-centered asshat who would be a self-centered asshat with or without mental illness.
I don’t really have many traditions or habits, but I do like to watch Meet the Press on Sundays as often as possible. Laura Bush was on this morning talking about her initiatives for Afghan women. I’m really happy to see her talking to the press about something that’s obviously important to her. My guess is that she is probably relieved that her tenure as First Lady is over soon, and, unless I’m crazy, I think Dubya is pretty happy to be leaving office, as well. I think the only bright spot in his legacy will be how gracefully he has handed the reins over to Obama (at least publicly). Ted Turner was on as well, that crazy fucker, and was obviously irritating Brokaw by asserting that the USSR’s invasion of Afghanistan was more justified than the United States’. I can understand why Brokaw was a little flummoxed, because it’s a pretty bizarre argument.
I decided to use our vintage dishes for breakfast. I don’t normally use them unless we have guests, because they’re hand-wash only and I’m, well, lazy. But I’m trying to incorporate more beautiful things into my life and get pleasure from simple things, especially since the days are getting shorter and it’s grey and cold. I’ll wash them soon and start on the cookies I’m making for my friends and family.