On writing about my depression?!?

Am I too self-referential/too introspective/too obsessive/too hopeless/too hopeful/too depressed/not depressed enough/whiny/dull/self-obsessed/BAD/embarrassing/really should just give up, just so bad…oh my god, I AM BORING.

Will this make me feel worse? Will this make you hate me? Do I care?

This is. a deep hole. I am clawing out of. Who wants to see that?

But really, there’s a reason why there aren’t that many blogs out there about depression. I mean, we are a lazy lot, we depressives*, but we also get fucking sick of thinking about ourselves and our illnesses and figure pretty much everyone is fucking sick of us, too.

Where’s the line between “Hey, I’M NOT OKAY!” and “Waaaah, feel sorry for me!”? Does it matter? Does it de-legitimize a person’s experience as a depressive?  Depression and assholism certainly aren’t mutually exclusive.

Does it make me an asshole to focus on these questions in the first place?  Probably. Or, at least, very, very tiresome. The  check on The State of the Emotional Union 8,10, 20 times an hour or more is tiresome to me, too. No wonder I can’t seem to do much else.

*Obviously, I don’t speak for all depressives and everyone’s experience is different. I could be totally off-base and just relating the story of one self-centered asshat who would be a self-centered asshat with or without mental illness.



Filed under mental health

5 responses to “On writing about my depression?!?

  1. atomic purple

    i, too, am a self centered depressive asshat. i’ll sit at your table any time and we can wait for the waaaambulance to arrive.

    sometimes you’ve just got to throw it out there to the universe.

  2. nadarine

    FWIW, I don’t think that writing about depression needs to be constrained in the “too self-referential” box: the Belgian Waffle (http://belgianwaffling.blogspot.com/) writes in an honest/entertaining/brutal way about her depression and although it can be incredibly intense, I’ve never once wanted to stop reading because it felt too “self-centered”.

    And y’know, putting “HEY I’M NOT DOING OK” in writing (and in public) might make it easier to really confront it.

  3. truculentandunreliable

    @atomic purple–Thanks. I am terribly self-conscious and don’t want to be a burden or a killjoy or whatever…I don’t know why it matters so much, but it does!

    @nadarine–Ooh, thanks. I’ve read a little and really like it.

  4. I was thinking the same thing yesterday. Who’d want to read about my depression? The thing is, I can’t write as well as you can. I like your style sweetie. Keep fighting. I’ll keep listening.

  5. truculentandunreliable

    Thank you! I am slowly coming back to the world, so I hope to start posting more soon.

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